Breaking Free: Natalie Russell on Empowering Women to Reclaim Their Lives and Relationships

When did you become a relationship coach? 

I started training about seven years ago, shortly after that assignment. I already had a background in counselling and had worked in mentorship and counselling roles within organisations, so I had plenty of experience. I knew this was the right path if I wanted to achieve financial independence.

Working for the local authority, as I had for years, wasn’t going to provide the financial prosperity I needed, and I was done waiting for someone else—especially a man—to rescue me, as that approach had repeatedly backfired. I realised I had to take charge of my own future, and that decision set me on this journey. They say you coach others in what your younger self would have needed, and that has certainly been true for me.

Let’s dive into your coaching business. When it comes to the common challenges and potential solutions you address with clients, is there a typical pattern you see? Do you focus mainly on helping clients break free from toxic situations? Are there specific traits that stand out, like a particular age range, geographic location, or socio-economic background, that tend to make someone more vulnerable to abuse?

I primarily work with women, though I recognize the need for support for men as well, as they also experience abuse. In my experience, I tend to attract more women, likely because I run women-focused retreats and manage a women-only Facebook group. This focus stems from two reasons: first, I understand women’s experiences better, and second, it allows me to set boundaries.

In the past, I had a personal experience where boundaries became blurred, so I’ve been intentional about protecting myself while continuing my own healing journey to ensure I’m no longer drawn to unhealthy dynamics.

Most of my clients are women aged 30 to 50. This age range seems to be when many start recognizing the patterns in their relationships, acknowledging what they’ve allowed, and seeking to find or reclaim their voice. I’ve also worked with some younger men, but that’s generally more focused on self-esteem issues than unhealthy relationships.

So why do girls pick the wrong guys?

Human beings are incredibly complex, so it’s not easy to pinpoint a single reason for certain behaviours. There are countless factors at play, but much of it ties back to our formative years. These early experiences shape how we attach to caregivers, interact with friends, and navigate the dynamics within our environment. They essentially form the foundation of how we view ourselves and our place in the world, as well as how we perceive and approach relationships.

At the core, however, is the relationship a person has with themselves. Self-esteem plays a pivotal role—it influences every aspect of life, from relationships to how we engage with things like food, money, and even career choices. The underlying question I’ve observed in every person I’ve worked with, regardless of gender, is this: Am I enough? That sense of inadequacy often drives behaviour, and it’s reinforced by countless narratives we carry and automatic negative thoughts that, if left unchecked, can dictate our entire lives.

On top of that, there’s the neurochemical aspect. People can become addicted to the dopamine rush associated with inconsistency. For example, being drawn to a non-committal or “bad boy” partner often stems from the thrill of earning their fleeting attention. Brain scans show this kind of intermittent reinforcement can light up the brain in the same way as a drug like crack cocaine. This addictive cycle of highs and lows, combined with low self-esteem, creates a powerful and often destructive pattern. The steady, consistent love that’s healthier can sometimes feel too “boring” in comparison. Breaking free from these patterns requires addressing both the emotional core and the addictive dynamics at play.

How often do people not even recognize that they’re in a toxic or abusive relationship?

Many people don’t realize they’re in a toxic or abusive relationship because it feels normal to them. If someone grows up in a toxic family environment and isn’t exposed to healthier dynamics, they won’t recognize dysfunction. Social media and accessible information are starting to change that—people hear or read about toxic behaviors and begin to question their own relationships.

Low self-esteem also plays a big role, especially for women. Fear of loss—whether it’s a partner, children, or financial security—often keeps them from speaking up. Many stay silent because the idea of rocking the boat feels too risky.

I’ve seen women in relationships for decades who only started questioning things after hearing a podcast or reading something that resonated. There’s a societal shift happening, with both men and women becoming more aware of toxic patterns and seeking healthier lives.

What advice would you give to someone trying to escape a toxic relationship?

Leaving a toxic relationship is incredibly challenging and often takes multiple attempts—research suggests it can take between 5 and 13 tries on average. The dynamic itself can be exhausting, with constant stress and the hope that “maybe this time things will change.” Being in such a high-stress environment can lead to burnout, making it even harder to find the energy to leave.

The key is to focus on building yourself up first. Start working on your self-esteem by seeking therapy or coaching. Surround yourself with safe, nurturing environments where you feel seen, heard, and supported. These spaces can help you gain the confidence and clarity needed to take action.

It’s also important to address your nervous system. Constant toxic stress puts your body into survival mode, making it difficult to think clearly or make decisions. Practices that help calm your nervous system—like mindfulness, breathing exercises, or gentle self-care—can create the space needed for clarity and growth. Over time, as your self-esteem and sense of safety grow, you’ll find the strength to take the steps necessary to leave.

Do you have any particularly memorable or inspiring stories about clients or individuals you’ve helped?

I’ve witnessed some truly incredible transformations. One client I worked with recently stands out. When she first came to me, she was at the tail end of yet another broken marriage. She was utterly shattered—emotionally drained, questioning every word she spoke, apologizing constantly, and struggling to navigate her emotions. She was a shadow of herself.

After 12 weeks of working together—and I still continue to support her—the transformation has been astounding. She’s walking taller, speaking with confidence, and carrying herself with a sense of self-worth that was completely absent before.

That said, it’s not magic. She was deeply invested in doing the work, which is crucial. At the time, she and her partner were still living together but had emotionally separated, so she was navigating a tough process. Her commitment to change played a huge role in her progress.

I’m not claiming to be a miracle worker. I’d love to have an instant solution for everyone, but the truth is, growth requires effort. It’s like having a fitness coach—if you only train with them once a week but don’t put in the work on your own, you won’t see lasting results. The same applies to emotional and mental well-being. Transformation comes from consistent effort, both during and beyond our sessions.